The Most Pernicious Mindset

The self-limiting power of victimhood

I was once attempting to help a personal training client figure out how to get an extra workout in. Deeming what I was asking to be too demanding and obviously frustrated, he looked at me and asked, “Do you have kids?”. His question was obviously intended to highlight my lack of understanding of the time and energy requirements of being a parent. On that front, he was right. I am not a parent; I’m a childless 35 year old personal trainer with lots of time on his hands. I do understand this, and it does affect how I think about my clients that don’t have the same capacity that I do.

The question pissed me off but not because of its ad hominem nature. I know I have a better situation than almost everyone I’m trying to help, and of course I don’t understand the demands of having a small child. The question rubbed me the wrong way, because it reveals a pervasive and impotent mindset that afflicts so many people trying to make health changes (or any changes for that matter).

Only Focus On Your Space

Everyone has a different set of circumstances. Some people are going to have more time, more money, better genetics, etc. That will always be true. Your circumstances dictate the space you have to work within. You have the space you have. The only thing I will ever ask of anyone is to act as much as they can in the space they’re given. Nothing more.

A barrier and acknowledging that it exists—whether it’s kids, time, money, energy—is only productive insofar as it clearly delineates that space. That’s it. But as soon as it’s used as an impetus for inaction and spawns destructively self-limiting beliefs you have started down the road of impotence and victimhood. People that start down this road stop focusing on what they can do and start focusing on the external factors that are impeding their ability to realize their potential.

I am not suggesting some heavy-handed #noexcuses approach to real problems, but our obsession with “acknowledging” our shortcomings has led to widespread bitterness and resentment at the unfairness of it all. I see countless fitness and nutrition professionals peddling this narrative. They give people endless victimhood fodder that makes them feel good in the short-term but that ultimately disempowers them. It’s especially common in the discussion of obesity. Many big accounts center their content around telling people why it’s not their fault they’re not losing weight.

Aside from the obvious problem of using the word “fault” here, this is a destructive message masquerading as kindness or compassion. There’s nothing empowering about telling people “this isn’t your fault, nor your responsibility”, which is what many of these professionals are doing when they offer no solutions.

“It’s easier for other people than it is for me.”

Okay, we’ve acknowledged that it’s easier for others to lose weight than it is for you. Now what? Does that mindset help you lose weight? Or are you going to wallow in self-pity and bemoan all the reasons you can’t succeed?

You could say that I’m callous, lack empathy, or that I don’t understand the plight of those less fortunate than me. But what I’m telling you is that it does not matter. Your body doesn’t care about the nobility of the things standing in between you and healthy behaviors; it will only know that it’s been neglected. But you nor anyone else could ever fault you for doing what you can.

Improving your life is equal parts agency and managing expectations. If something isn’t helping you move the needle forward in your space, forget about it. Any time a new restriction comes into your life, recalibrate your space and then get back to action.

I am not a religious person, but I think often of the simple wisdom in the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I’m hardly a paragon of success, but if there is anything I have learned in my 35 years of life, it’s that though we may not always get to choose our space, we can always choose whether or not to act in that space.